The Unforgivable Diaries of DMC
by H.Puckle
Summary: This is a collaberation from a few people from the ever popular KMC forums. This series is a series of diary entries describing the day to day antics of you favorite celebs from the movie!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one...and Ichy belongs to bwahaha ok weird little parodies brought to you by Moi and my adorable KMC forum girls (because we do so like to have fun!!!)

Imagine if you will that the cast of DMC kept diaries...could you imagine the things that would be put in there????

Basically its kind of a comedy take on The minds of the cast and crew of Pirates of the Caribbean ...whilst they were filming DMC.

I owe it to piratediva, mmoviejunkie, chikimina, calypso and sailorleo!  
Keep doing me proud girls:D

...you will get the gist of the diary entries once you start reading them ... and believe me, they ARE addictive!!!!

have fun!!!!!!

Disclaimer: I own no one...and bwahaha ownes Ichy!!!!

Johnny;

Day One:

Dear Ichy;

So we're back again...the good ol' Caribbean.  
The delightful keira is back with us again...but sadly so is 'sadsack' .  
yup thats right;  
Blunderous Bloom is back with us to give his unwittingly as-boring-as-watching-grass-grow character Wee Willy Winky another go...

Poor sod, It's gonna go down like a lead balloon..i can just see it now...

The day started off well...nothing happened on the production front but interestingly enough i heard some weird-ass stories from Jack Davenport...the English are really not as prudeish as our American films make them out to be.  
The things he's taught me to do with a cucumber are unmentionable, i tell you!

I'll never be able to look at the man in the same way again...

keira Day Two Dear Diary-that-isnt-Ichy;

We had a really good night last night! It was just like old times again!  
We all went out for a meal as a cast to celebrate being back; even Orlando seemed to raise a smile.  
I don't know whats wrong with him lately, he's got a face like a smacked backside!  
It was so good to see Johnny again, too. He never seems to age...which is good considering he doesn't use any anti-aging products...or so he tells me...

Kev (You know...Gibbs) was telling the whole table about an interview he was doing in the States for a TV show, and when the interviewer forgot what his name was, Kev decided to stay as silent as the grave for the rest of the Interview...so it wasn't an interview really, it was more like a competition to see who would crack first.  
I'm sitting here reading the script for the film...and i have to say that Elizabeth certainly has alot of scenes with Jack in this one...

Good! He's more entertaining that Will anyway!  
...Just don't let Orlando know i said that...i gets very defensive about Will...even though its a losing battle...

Jack Davenport

Day Three

Dear Norrie - And yes i'm aware i've named my Diary after myself...so sue me!

We were filming the Tortuga fight scene today! It was really exciting...being hit over the head with a bottle a hundred times over.  
Ouch!...yup, it's deffinately a migrane i'm getting.  
...On second thoughts...i think half the time time that Keira was using an actual bottle.  
I knew she had it in for me!  
Spoke to Johnny on the first day back. We were sat there in the tiny little outdoor canteen just grabbing caviar on toast (as us widely known and established actors do) when we got onto the topic of English Prudism.  
It is a matter close to my heart as;  
1. I'm English 2. I Am almost certainly not a prude...in the slightest...SailorLeo will tell you that.  
Well lets just cut the story short and say that by the end of the conversation it was JOHNNY who came off as the Prude...he hadn't even heard of some of the stuff i had mentioned.  
...Ha! ... and he thinks he's a big tough man just because he trashed a couple of Hotel Rooms in his youth...Watch out Johnny, Jack's coming through and he's Mightier than thou!!!!!

...Ah damnit...they've called me back in...apparently the bottle scene wasn't good enough...

Heithans!!!!!

Orlando

Day Four

Dear Nobody... - Because no one seems to listen to me anyway!

Today was ok i guess...nothing spectacular happened...well...i met my dad for the first time, but that's about it.  
Oh sorry, i'm supposed to show some emotion there...but i really couldn't give a rats-ass!  
Keira and Johnny have got all the good scenes together! They've not filmed any of them yet, but i can tell they're really excited about it...which bites because i'm stuck with the boring time-filler scenes that the writers put in just so they can devide up the Jack and Elizabeth chemistry...

Me? Bitter? Certainly not!...well...maybe just a little bit...

If they give my character something interesting to do...like use a bow and arrow...or maybe if he was Elvish...THAT would be interesting...

...I knew i should have begged them to use my blond wig...I looked so much more attractive with Barbie hair...

But no...he's boring old Will...He does nothing and the only thing that shows his feelings are his vacant expressions...which in my opinion are worthy of an Oscar...

Maybe i should ask Gore for some better action scenes...I mean, Jack has wenches...why can't Will have wenches?...well, he has Elizabeth but at the moment even JACK has her!

I'm going to the makeup room...the women respect me and my even complexion in there...

Kevin McNally

Day Five

Dear SpongeBob

Ive just got back from 'the black pearl'! They've used a bigger boat this time...and it actually has decent toilets on it! ...It doesn't help the sea sickeness though...

Johnny has the wind in his sails about something...maybe its th madness of his character finally coming out of him...or maybe he really is going mad...

In the middle of a scene, Johnny decided he was going to strip off from the waist up (including the wig!) and take a dip in the Ocean...god knows why, but there must be some method to his madness because when he got back he was even crazier than what he was when he started! ...

it all helps at the end of the day, though.

I'm going on a bar crawl tonight with Lee and Mckenzie (Pintel and Ragetti)...should be fun considering I can drink them both under the table!

..Just don't tell Keira...since she's been legal to drink she's become the next beer King...Its scaring me to be honest...when a woman can down a bottle of beer quicker than a man, you know theres something wrong with the world...

Its bad luck, if you ask me...

Gore Verbinski

Day Six

Dear Diary - Yes, I'm aware that is a boring name...but I'm a boring kind of guy!

Lots of outtakes today...

Imagine the scene;  
Johnny tied to a pole, dangling face down with a fire inches from his face...

Then imagine the cast and crew going for a break and Leaving him there...I swear i think i almost saw real tears come from his eyes...

We got Orlando aswell.

Those hamster cages on the Pelegostos

Island weren't really supposed to roll, but we did it anyway...and then we told Orlando we only wanted HIM in the shot, and everyone else needed to get out...and then we told him he just had to run inside the ball and see how long he could keep doing it for...

It took him half an hour before he realised that we weren't laughing WITH him, and that we were laughing AT him...

I think the name 'Hamster Man' has been thrown around the set a few times, now...

Keira is a good sport though...Ted and Terry decided to joke withher, and told her they were writing in a Sex scene for Elizabeth and Jack...she took it extremely well...TOO WELL if you ask me...

...Imagine her surprise when we tell her to flip to the last couple of pages in the script...I don't think 'Glee' is the exact word to call it...but it resembled her jumping up and down with the money signs rolling in her eyes...

Keira Day Seven

Dear diary-that-isnt-Ichy

A KISS SCENE?!

Between Elizabeth and Jack?!

OMG if that doesnt make the film hit the 1Billion mark in the boxoffice then i don't know what will!!!

I KNEW there was something weird going on when they did all of my scenes with Johnny...

Not that i mind...Orlando is a sweetheart; but lately he's been this moping mess on the set...i don't think he likes the idea of missing out on the action...

I was talking to Johnny yesterday and he said that he thinks its just 'sour grapes' with Orlando...he wants the action scenes and he isn't really getting any this time around...action in both senses of the word!  
I don't think Johnny knows about this kissing thing...if he did i think he would take the piss far more than he has been doing...

Only yesterday i was sat in my trailer when he barges through the door with a television and a Playstation box...apparently the electric had gone on his yacht so until it was fixed he was setting up camp in MY trailor!

Thankfully he was only there for two hours...and i beat his ass on 'need for speed'...hes such a sore loser!

Johnny

Day Eight Dear Ichy

Two hours! For two hours i was stuck on a sofa with stuffed Unicorns and insense candles that smelled like butterscotch!  
The bulb had gone in one of the lamps on my yacht, so i tried to fix it...and almost gave myself an electric shock!

WARNING:  
NEVER TRY TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB WHEN YOU HAVE NOT TURNED OFF THE ELECTRICITY!

..I was VERY pissed off because i had almost kitted up my favourite car on 'need for speed'...and then because the electricity went off the game went off too!  
So i collected my 52" television and my playstation and toddled over to Keira's Trailor.

I would have gone to Orlando, but he can't take it like a man when he loses...so Keira was like my only option.

...So for two traumatic hours i was subjected to the most horrific sights and sounds in the WORLD!

I mean...WHO still listens to the SPICE GIRLS?!

...And since when did Billy Idol come back into fashion?! Her walls are covered in him...which is REALLY weird if you ask me, because the man is older than I am!

Don't get me wrong...I love the girl to bits...but shes one weird child...God knows how Jack D manages to put up with her when she visits him in England...

Jack D

Day nine

Dear Norrie

How the hell do i put up with that girl when she visits me in england?!

She bursts into my trailor this morning, belting out a rendition of 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning!' and expects me to be HAPPY about it?!

She seriously has mental issues!

I was chatting to Kev today whilst shooting my first scene on 'the black pearl'...thats right kiddies! Daddies got himself a new ship to play on!

Anyway...back to the point...Kev looked a little worse for wear...i put it down to the swaying of the boat...but on closer inspection i actually realised that it wasnt the boat that was swaying...but KEV!

He'd been out for a night on the Raz...and unfortunately Lee and Mackenzie had got the better of him...who knew there was a 'stringfellows' in the Caribbean?!

I was about to keep my trap well and truly shut, until Johnny came over in all his Jack-attire...he was doing the walk and everything...which seemed a little too much for poor old kev...seeing Johnny swaggering like that actually made him sick!

Fancy that...Jack Sparrow ACTUALLY made someone sick!  
...no one ever threw up when i wore that Ice Cream cone on my head...so i cant have looked that stupid...

Anyway I've got to dash...id say its to get somewhere important...but i really just need to Pee...

Keira;

Day Ten

Dear Diary-that-isnt-Ichy

Whistle while you work...Will Turner is a Twirp...

Ive GOT to stop doing that!  
Ah...what the hell...I sang it, but you were ALL thinking it!

Aboard the 'pearl again today...its funny how un-immune i still am to Johnny's hilarious renditions of Shakespear WHILST still in Jack Sparrow mode...He just about Killed me when he started doing Juliet's parts...

Its un-natural how high he can get his voice to go...

We did an interesting scene today...when we did the first take i didnt realise exactly what Elizabeth meant when she said she could 'handle a sword'...but after half an hour of Johnny giving me 'the look' and the not so subtle sexually-related hand signs...well, lets just say i caught on.  
Gah i'm loving this new turn of events for my character! I was chatting to the makeup lady about it today...although i dont think she really understood because the more i spoke about it and talked about johnny, the more she seemed to make my face look like a clown's...

AND what a surprise to see that when i got back to my trailor last night that not only johnny was STILL sat there playing 'Smackdown' ...but so was Gore, Jack and Ted too!!!

A woman can just not get her privacy, i tell you!!

I asked them what they were doing and they completely ignored me!...apparently women fall on deaf ears as soon as a piece of mind-stimulating electrical equipment is turned on...

...and they say men are mulit-functional...

the only thing multifunctional about a man is the ability to stand up AND pee!!!

Continue to page two... 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: These diary entries will be marked by the authors name from the KMC forum if they are not mine because i dont want to take credit for other peoples brilliant work...therefore, if i put a name next to a diary then it is not my work...

Im a generous soul really, aint i:D

Disclaimer: Once again i own nothing AND what is more...these diaries are FAKE and none of it is true...its just me haveing fun at other peoples expense...

Ted

Day Eleven

Dear Riddles

The bloody cheek of it!  
I wouldnt mind but he started off as a dogs body to begin with!

I'm so pissed right now i cant tell you.  
Mr -i'm-orlando-therefore-i-deserve-more-action-scenes-and-i-want-to-wear-my-blond-wig-Bloom has only tried to have his cake an eat it!

He strolled into the office like he was floating on air...his hair whipping around his face...i should have turned the fan off, really.

He DEMANDED-Yes, DEMANDED that his character be more heroic and more 'sparrow-like' in the film...

I think he's missed the concept of 'money maker' ...and Will was never the money maker to begin with...

But Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
(Just for reference: That was an evil laugh and i did not intend to try and communicate with Bwa ha ha on the boards in any way...not after i put the restraining order on her, anyway...)

Little does Orlando know, but there may be a few...erm...'cut backs' in the future...and we've got to think of a way to do it...

wouldn't it be really coincidental if Will's name just happens to get 'redundant' by the side of it...

hehehehe...yes im an evil bard...but just remember that if you try to piss on my bonfire, then i will piss on yours!

DayTwelve

Dear Ichy

Shes been asleep for about an hour now...after practically feeding her that malt whiskey she was out like a light!

She got the hump about me having the boys over for a 'games' night...i told her it was never easy living with a man!

The electricity board called and told me that the boat wouldnt be ready for another week or so...so ive taken camp in Keiras lving area in her Trailor...to her utter disgust.

To HER utter disgust!  
I'M the one who should be disgusted!!!!

Atleast i dont leave my booby-vests lying around the place! I tell you, the amount of pink frilly thongs i've found myself making friends with, its amazing that she can have house guests!

Kev went about an hour ago...i think he still had a hangover...he was turing green...so either he was still suffereing or he's been on the 'wackie-baccie'... which wouldnt be the first time, if you get my meaning...

And now theres just Ted left...who is finding it hard to actaully put down the control pad...even if i killed him i wouldnt be able to prise it from his lifeless fingers...hogger!

Maybe i should throw a frilly thong at him...that'd be enough to cause a heart attack...

Jack D

DayThirteen

Dear Norrie

What a day!  
I did my first drunk scene! i think i handled it quite well considering i WAS actually drunk!!

It was johnnys fault...i said i needed the rum in my hands, and obviously he saw fit to give me a REAL bottle...but i didnt care after the first few gulps...strong stuff!!!

So there i was frollicking about in the background when Keira and johnny were having this really intense scene about some stupid bloody compass...i really find it hard to understand storylines in this film...how a child is supposed to understand, i dont know!

I dont really remember much after that i'm sorry to say...although when i did eventually come around from my alcohol-induced coma everyone said it was the best work i had ever done!

Bloody typical!...it'll just teach me to get absolutely Legless in the future...

hehe...legless...isnt that the character orlando played in lord of the flies??? ...damn, sorry..i think im still a little tipsy...

Zippidy do dar...Zippidy Ay...

and i bet that song sticks in your head now that you've read it!!!!

See...i'm babbling again now...

need sleep...or alcohol...or both...

you know what they say...in for a penny, in for a pound...

Keira

Day Fourteen

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

Have you ever woken up to a man snoring so loud that you thought there may be a possible earthquake outside??

Times that by 1000 and you have Mr Depp in the mornings!  
I mean honestly...how Vanessa puts up with him is beyond me! AND to top it all off i found him lying there clutching one of my thongs!...hes getting weirder and weirder as time goes by...

I made eggs and bacon this morning...for myself considering i wasnt planning on johnny getting up BEFORE midday...and then i suddenly remembered that he had a date with 'the kracken'...

they've decided to do the slime scene early because everything is hectic and up in the air at the moment...even my few scenes with orlando have been put on hold!

So i attempt to wake the beast...but when he's asleep its like he's died and gone to heaven...theres no waking him at all!!!

So i decided to eat my breakfast AND turn on his playstation...but i must have done something wrong with the memory card because i deleted something called 'do not delete or i will chop your bollocks off' ...

...well...considering i HAVE no bollocks it obviously did not apply to me...

so i deleted it...and it was as if a siren had gone off in the room!  
JUST from pressing that tiny button, Johnny was fully awake and absolutely furious with me!

Honestly, you wouldnt think he was a man!

actually...yes you would...that is exactly what you would think he was...

Hes not speaking to me now anyway...and hes put little post-it notes around MY trailor telling ME what i can and cannot touch!!!!!!!

The only thing post-it free is my pavaroti disk collection...

wonder why...

SailorLeo's diary...she is a Norrie obsessed fan!  
Jack D

Day 27

Dear Norrie

Guess who has to fight Bloom, you gusses it, me. And it isn't bad enough i have to fight him, it's that...well... I HAVE TO DO IT ATOP A BLOODY GIANT WHEEL! Oh the indignity of it all, oh well, I hope the fans appreciate this.

On another note, I'm beginning to suspect that I'm not alone, and yes i know i'm a celebrity and all (even a minor one at that), but I can't shake this feeling that I'm being followed, I mean even my stuffs beginning to go missing, it started small, pens paper, now enitre bed sheets? Maybe it's Keira trying to pull a fast one over me...Yeah that's it...I'm getting tired I'm going to go to bed before i accidently discover the secret to life, that made no sense what so ever...GAH! I must sleep!

Johnny

Day sixteen

Dear Ichy

I am in protest people!  
I have gone four days without speaking a word to the irritating little toe-rag, and i am not going to stop now!

She deleted it..she ACTUALLY deleted it! And she SMILED at me afterwards too...oh the indignity of it!!!!

Sadsack told me to cool down...but in fairness it WAS his idea to do the post-it notes...he does come to some use sometimes...

AND to top it all off SHE used all the hot water in the shower this morning! ...I mean i know the girl can smell a bit, but come on! Half an hour showers?! ...Atleast she didnt hear me screaming like a little girl when the cold water hit me...

Keira

day seventeen

dear diary that isnt ichy

He screamed like such a girl!

Orlando told me that johnny isnt talking to me...honestly, what are we? 5 yearolds?

Well if he wants to play it like that...things are going to get VERY tense around here...

But i know for a fact the post-it notes were not johnnys idea...even he isnt THAT immature...

So fine, two can play at this 'i'm-ignoring-you-for-aslong-as-i-can-until-you-crack' game!  
I've told orlando to tell Johnny that it wasnt MY fault that i deleted the game...It was a slight technical fault...

And i also told Kev to tell orlando to tell johnny that he smells funny...not literally, but just because acting like a child suits me right now...

Nw...wheres jack gone...and that strange looking gremlin-like girl that keeps following him in the shadows...atleast they're still kinda talking to me...

Orlando

day seventeen

dear nobody

So im supposed to tell who to let them know what now?

I hate being piggy in the middle...but i guess thats what the 'second man' is really...the one thats there to fill the gaps...

I'm a bitter, bitter man...

On set before with lee and mckenzie who were signing autographs for the costume department...oddly enough the women put their pens and paper away when i arrived and quickly walked off...probably too busy to get any more autographs, i suppose...

I'm going out tonight with kev, lee and mackenzie... should be a good knees-up considering kev walks funny the morning after the night before...actually...come to think of it...i'm not so sure thats a good thing...

Damn theres jack again...since hes ditched the ice-cream look hes got more ladies honing after him than i have!!!!

Life hates me...i'd end it all, but why waste such a pretty face??

Right...i'd better go and give johnny keiras message...

what was it again...

oh yeah!

Kev

day seventeen

dear diary

...johnny told keira to orlando to tell me that i smell like a farmers overalls...

i dont know how to take this news...I mean,

being called insane? I can deal with...

Being called old? Well...its better to be over the hill than buried underneath it, i always say...

But being called smelly??

...i think i need to be alone with my thoughts right now...

and take a nice long bath...

johnny

Day seventeen

Dear Ichy

Apparently I'm a crazed loonatic who portreys my characters as being gender confused...oh, and i forgot to mention that when i eat i make a really noisy sound!

Geez, i wish people would say it to my face!

Kev's told keira to tell orlando the wonderful news...

and also, apparently i think Gore Verbinski is a blockbuster wannabe...

All evidence to the contrary...

Gore

Day whatever

dear diary

Why the hell was i brought into your petty little arguments??

Children...

Keira

day seventeen

dear diary that isnt ichy

I'm very surprised nothing has been said about me...

...Although ALOT of the female staff have been eyeing me up inappropriatley...so ive decided that instead of changing into my costume in the costume department, that i will use the womens lavatories instead...atleast that way there are no prying eyes...

I'm going to KILL Johnathan Christopher Depp!!!!

Jack D

Day Eighteen

Dear Norrie

...I feel like their are little men chizzelling away at my brain inside my skull...

Apparently 'the hair of the dog' is supposed to cure any hangover...but one look at that bottle of rum and that was it...i was staring into the bowl of my crapper for yet another half an hour!

I've kept away from all the little tattle-tailing that has been going around...peoples sexuality and bodily odour is none of my business...unless i decide to make fun of it...which i most probably will do later...

A pretty young lady chatted me up at the bar last night.  
she was everything i look for in a woman...blond, blue eyes...leggy...easy looking.  
But her name was a little strange...

Martin

...We will never mention this again.

Johnny

Day eighteen

dear ichy

Jack is GAY?!

Whose this martin fellow hes supposed to be going around with?  
...and what happened to that hobbit-like creature that keeps following him around...

curiouser and curiouser...

Keira and i have come to a mutual understanding...so whilst she was doing a scene with the beckett man (im not sure of his actual name...i think hes a newcomer to hollywood...) i decided to split the trailor right down the middle, so we would both have our personal space!!

I have;

the fridge the couch the TV The bed The playstation The guitar

Keira has;

The beanbag

...All is fair in war and war...

Speaking of war, i wrote me a little song today...It goes like this;

Welcome to Newyork, yeah we'll steal your car.  
But someone's tabbed your petrol so you won't get very far.  
Atleast your not in Florida Where the locals are green.  
Yeah if you live in Newyork, you'll know what i mean.

Trying to have a laugh round here's just turned into a chore,  
Used to go down the 'Cherry' dancing on sticky floors.  
Surrounded by druggies and fifteen yearolds.  
And dirty old pervs thinking they've just struck gold!

Welcome to Newyork,  
its a great place to leave.  
Thanks to all the chemicals you'll find it hard to breath.  
We're not as good as Texas, louisiana or Los Angelese,  
'cause all the kids do drugs round here and never stay in school.

Now i dont have anything against newyork or anything...but obviosuly you can see i have a few problems with it...

Keira

day twenty

dear diary-that-isnt-ichy

I have cramp in my leg...last night i slept under the kitchen sink on the beanbag...

its the only place im allowed to actually go in my own trailor!

I came back to find bright green tape separating Johnnys section and my puney little spit of a corner...and everytime i tried to step past it he would start singing; 'bohemian rhapsody' so loud that it could be possible for only dogs to be able to hear him...

Apparently im only allowed the bathroom from the hours of 3am till 3.15am ... so ill have to pee,shower and brush my teeth all at the same time...

oh, the joys of sharing living quarters with johnny...

...continue to page three... 


	3. Chapter 3

Orlando

Day twenty six

Dear nobody

Thats it! I give up!  
Goodbye cruel world!!!

After going out on the town with the guys the other night, i learned a few things;

1.Women dont like me.  
2. Women are only jealous of my because i have better hair than most of them in Lord of the Rings.  
3.Women dont like me.

Mackenzie got a girls fone number, She looked quite cute and she had all the trimmings that you would expect a nice young woman to have...and then she opened her big fat gob...and all of that dissappeared.

The woman was a loud-mouthed drunk who spilt her cheap -run-of-the-mill champagne allove my expensive Armani trousers!  
TWICE!

I shouted at her...ofcourse i did...but then i immediately wished i hadn't...

the only thing i remember after that was waking up outside the nightclub with a black eye and a scary security guard rubbing my temples...

do i have a gay vibe?  
is there something about me that seems a little...bent, to you?  
I dont look gay...

Ofcourse i manicure my nails, what self-respecting man wouldn't!  
Ofcourse i comb my hair atleast 30 times a day...its the only way to make it silky smooth...

Oh god...I think i'm turning into a woman...

Johnny

day twenty six

Dear Ichy

I'm getting that gay vibe from Sad-Sack again...

I thought he had dropped it after the first film...but now hes picked it back up again...

I went for a toilet break and the man followed me!  
I mean, ok i can understand he might be insecure about how he measures up in the er...nether-regoins...

But i felt violated when he stood in the cubicle next to me...i felt like i wouldnt be able to perform! He was ruining my concentration...

...and here i was thinking jack was the only one i needed to worry about...

Oh yeah, this room-mate thing with keira is working out swell now that we both have our own areas...I dont know why we didnt think of it before!!!

I stuck a post-it on her bean bag this morning telling her she would have to wait until tomorrow until she took a shower...i used up her time and mine for the bathroom without realising it.  
but a man has to keep clean, you know!

Not like my filthy alter-ego, Captain Jack Sparrow!

...And yet since that filthy vaggabond came into my life, ive had ALOT more fanmail off women telling me how much they love me and want to marry me...

So its official;

Women like it dirty!

Jack D

Day twenty seven

Dear Norrie

I woke up this morning...

and i wasn't alone.

For a moment i thought i was still dreaming about running through a daisy field naked...but unfortunately it was no dream...

and just incase you were wondering...

Martin was NOWHERE to be seen!

It was rather parculiar...she was looking straight at me on the chair...her eyes staring right into me.

And then i tried to move...and only closer inspection found my arms and legs tied to the bed with rope.

...And i'm still here...

and unfortunately...so is she.

Keira

Day thirty

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

THAT IS IT!  
Ive had it with bloody men!

3 days ive been unable to have a shower!  
THe man is insufferable!

He even made COOKIES infront of me the other day, and then ate them to himself!!!!

Apparently the only reason i couldnt have one was because i WASNT on his side, and he apologised if the smell had escaped from his part of the room!

I need to get my own back...i have to do something to get my trailor back...before he starts wiring up the hi-fi system and playing Bob Dylan loud enough for people to think its ME who listens to his old-school hill-billy music!

Now then...let me think...what is the one thing that Johnny is scared of in the whole world...

Johnny

Day Thirty One

Dear Ichy

CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're everywhere!  
Shes put them in the fridge, in the closet!

UNDER THE BED!  
I cant sleep in there now...its freaking me out...

that woman is the bride of chucky!!!!!!!!

Ive got this crazy vision in my head of Mr Chuckles coming to life in the night and dragging me under the bed with him!

Its times like these that i wish i had a night-light...

That Bch is going down!!

Jack D

Day thirty five

Dear Norrie

Its nice to know i'm loved...

Ive been here for nearly a week and NO ONE has bothered to look for me!

Shes used everything on me...although i have to admit that when the feather duster came out, she tickled me in places i never knew existed!

Ashamedly i am now growing quite fond of her.  
Shes a weird little thing, but i suppose shes the only person that actually cares about me.  
She spoon fed me yesterday!

Ok, maybe that was because my hands were tied behind my back, but atleast she didnt leave me to just starve!  
It was quite sweet, if you think about it...

Have i gone insane? You ask...

Probably.

But hey! I aint complaining!

She told me she will let me go if i agree to being her Bch...i have no problem with that at all...

but it might clash with my busy schedule...

Ooooh! She's bringing out the fluffy handcuffs...

Ladies and gentlemen...i think i'm inlove...

Jack D

Day Thirty six

Dear Norrie

'oh what a beautiful morning!!!!!!'

I'm inlove...with a girl!!!!!

Its great...the way she makes me cater to her every need...the way she gets angry if i dont put enough mayonaise on her salad butties and hits me if i make too much noise when i'm working out...

I'm her Bch, and I'm proud of it!!!

I saw johnny yesterday. We were back on the pearl again...He asked me why i had a smile permanently attached to my face...

I told him im always like this...

He begged to differ...apparently my face resembles a smacked arse 99 of the time...

and then he asked me if i was getting some!

Thats private business between me and my lady friend...

But apparently my nod of the head gave it away to him...

...Its not like HE doesnt walk around with a smile on his face all day...because he does...

But theres no one here for him to get some off-

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Gross mental imagery...

I should tell keira to watch where she sits in her trailor...

Keira

Day Thirty Seven

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

Jack gave me the heads up on Johnnys possible nightly activities with his best friend 'mr hand' ... i must say i'm rather disgusted that Jack would make such allegations...johnny is a movie star, he doesnt do that sort of thing...

gross...

...although i may watch where i park my bum from now on...

IF I HAD SOMEWHERE TO SIT IN MY TRAILOR!

I came back yesterday to find (FINALLY!) the tape gone, the post-it notes disappearing into thin air...along with everything else in my trailor!

Apparently johnny knows a girl whose up for selling anything and everything on ebay...chikimina i think her name is...

and hes given her my things to sell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...so now im living in an empty space...with only my fridge and the kitchen sink...

Johnny said that after the clown incident, he didnt want to touch anything incase it was 'contaminated'...so he burned my bedsheets on a bonfire behind my trailor (including my Spice girls AND my pavorotti collection!!!!) and told me he was getting an exorcist round to;

'clear out the unwanted evil of squeeky joke noses and funny red clown wigs'

... the man has issues...

...Well atleast i still have my beanbag to sleep on-

JOHNNY!!!!!!!!! either get off it...or share...

Ha! I knew that would get him to move...

Orlando

day forty

Dear nobody

I had an epiphone yesterday...i realised that if you cant beat them, then you have to join them...

I was in the que in the local market, picking up my copy of 'womans weekly' when a gorgeous looking girl accosted me!

It came out of the blue, and i was rather taken aback...but she would not let go of me!!

She looked up at me with her sultry eyes all gleaming and said;

"omg! Your like my Idol! I LOVED you Edward Scissor hands!"

Welll...i was VERY angry...but i couldnt disappoint the girl now could i...

So i'm going on a date with her on friday night...

call me a fraud all you like, but im finally getting some!!!!!

Johnny

Day forty one

dear ichy

Why are people finding it so hard to look me in the eyes??

I went to shake kev's hand yesterday and he looked at it like he was inspecting it before he shook it!!!!

Theres something weird going on...

Everytime Keira goes for the beanbag she wipes it over with a cloth!  
I dont have the lergie, you know...

atleast i dont think i do...

Gore has informed me about this kiss im supposed to be doing with keira...and apparently everyone is in on it but sad-sack...its like a conspiracy theory...i love it!!

I dont know whether to be ok about this kiss thing.  
shes like Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay young! My son has less years between them than i do with her!

Ah what the hell...if i can kiss winona im sure kissing keira wouldnt hurt...

much.

right...now im off to turn keiras trailor into a batchelor pad!!!!

...BTW the batchelor pad thing is a joke...im still with vanessa...damn, watch this be spread allover the papers tomorrow!!!

Jack D

Day forty two

Dear norrie

Went on a double date with my sexy Sailor and orli's emtally delinquant shop-girl...

She kept calling him Eddie...and he answered her!

What was her name...

chikiTina?  
TikiChina?  
MikiWeina?

Gah i dont remember...but it was possibly the weirdest night of my life...

It got better when me and my beloved got back to my trailor though...its amazing how much fun you can have playing cluedo with the one you love!

And now she has be blindfolded! ...so technically i dont know how im writing this...its amazing, isnt it!!!

We're playing the 'food' game...i guess the food and if im right i get a gold star which means im allowed to do a chore for her!

So either way i win!!!!!

And they say romance is dead...or maybe they just wish it...

keira

Day forty three

Dear diary that - screw it, its too long!

Johnny and me had a fight last night...

So i kicked him off the beanbag and made him sleep outsid until he had learned his lesson...

5 minutes later he was complaining that he would catch neuphmonia...well, it wasnt my fault that there just happened to be a gigantic thunderstorm outside!!!!!!

He packed his stuff and left today...the electric was fixed on his boat 5 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him WHY it took him so long to clear out...he told me that spunging off me reminded him of the 'good old times' ...

"And also because i just love to piss you off"

Well johnny boy ive got a surprise for you...

my trailor has a hole in the roof where theres a leak coming through...SO GUESS WHOSE COMING TO VISIT!!!!

Oh im so evil...

...and so poorly looked after! How could someone NOT spot a hole in a roof????

Its ok for johnny...he gets a boat...

...hehehe...but not for long!!!!

...continue to page four... 


	4. Chapter 4

Johnny

Day Forty Four

dear ichy

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

3am she burst through my cabin door this morning!!!

I wouldnt mind but i'd only got in from filming at 2!!!

She barged in here like john wayne in a movie western...with her bloody stuffed unicorns in toe!!!

Insufferable woman! I thought id gotten rid of her but apparently she insists on staying on my yacht for WAY longer than she even thinks she is!

Apparently i have a 'debt to pay' ... she makes herself sound like someone from the mafia or something!  
...She's kipping on my couch at the moment...my plush red leather couch that only I have ever slept on!!

Doesnt she know that people will start talking?  
Ive already got some glares from Orli and Jack...apparently they have spare bedrooms in their trailors she could sleep in...

but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
She has to be the bane of my existance!!

Bloody nuisance...

But atleast shes asleep now...shes best like that

jack d

Day forty four

dear norrie

Me and my love have adopted a chameleon...He changes color when hes under attack...hes so cute!!

I think we're calling him Iggy...at the moment hes sitting in his cage , licking his lips and looking at me with an odd expression on his face...

i asked my sweetheart if he was a cannibal...but she protested that in order for him to be a cannibal he had to be human...fair point...

but there THIS something odd about him...

My beloved said she wants to adopt a sheep next.  
Apparently one of her strange and not-so-sane friends - ( honestly its all down to the parents...i mean, who calls a kid Bwa ha ha )  
- currently owns one called 'Ichy' ...she said it would be good for the little tyke to have a play mate...

I would protest...but i DO love lamb chops!!!!

I had a quiet drink with Orlando last night...he told me his love life was amazing at the moment...

...But it wouldnt be so good if Miss Mina ever found out that Orlando WASNT Johnny...Because hes not, hes orlando and it would be very confusing if Orlando wasnt orlando and was infact johnny because that would mean-

whoa whoa whoa!

NOTED TO SELF:  
dont think so much...

I think i've just brought on another migrane...

Keira

Day forty Five

Dear Mr Snuggles - thats right! Ive gotten rid of the long assed name!!!!

Today has been the day from hell...

I woke up to the smell of pancakes and strawberries and so many delicious smells that my nostrils felt like they had died and gone to synus heaven...

Unfortunately none of those smells were for me.  
i was stuck with a piece of bread and some butter on the side...

thats dinner service a-la-Depp for you...hes not a very good host, and he deffinately doesnt make you feel welcome...especially when he's throwing yesterdays underwear in your face to wake you up!!!

He told me i had two days and then that was it, I'm either;

A. Going in a home B. Going in a bin C. Going to live with orli.

...ANYTHING BUT THE LAST ONE!!!!!

Me and Orli had that kissing scene today...with the sand whipping us every 5 minutes...it was SO un-romantic!

Hi mind seemed on other things..and so was mine when i spotted his latest conquest standing at the sidelines and glaring at me...

...that was until she looked over at Johnny, and then looked back at Orlando...it looked like something had clicked...

And then everything was up in the air!  
Including Orlando!

The tiny little girl beat the CRAP out of him!  
...And she spoke alot of spanish, which i am going to say was alot of curse words...

...Apparently Orli had tried to pass himself off as johnny to firey Peuto rican...

I cant see how she couldnt see the difference myself...i mean...

Johnny is well...johnny

and Orli is well...erm...yeah...lets not go there

I'm going out tonight on the town with Kev, Orli, Jack and johnny.  
only johnny doesnt know yet...

that should be fun ...

...i know you cant see what im doing ... but im rubbing my hands together in glee...

Orlando

Day forty six

dear nobody!

I'm officially a 'no one'

We went out tonight to 'flares' to get into the VIP area...and I was the only one NOT RECOGNISED!!!!!

I asked the others to stay on the outside of the rope with me...but they buggered off inside and left me to fend for myself!!

..on the upside i bumped into my Little Chiki again...and she apologised for the bruises to my oh-so-pretty face...and the one on my -you-know-where's ...

We ended up dancing, and even though she now knows my new identity, she STILL let me buy her drinks all night long and she even gave me 1 digit of her phone number everytime i bought her a glass of champagne...

Ah, it feels like love...

and at the same time i can feel a hole in my pocket from where my money used to be...

HA! And they say you can't buy love...boy were they wrong!!!

Anyway, about three hours later the rest of the gang came out from the VIP area...

Its amazing...keira may be tiny but it took 2 men to carry her out of the club!!!

She was so drunk she vomited allover Johnny's VERY expensive shoes...and then laughed because her puke was pink!

Kev and Jack carried her the rest of the way whilst johnny made barfing sounds behind them...which only made Keira barf for real to everyones annoyance but johnnys...he thought it was hilarious...

jack got clocked by his lady-love on the way home.  
Apparently her and Iggy had been waiting up ALLLLL night for him to come home.  
Now thats as 'under the thumb' as you can get, ladies and gentlmen!!

Kev and I left johnny to take keira inside his yacht...he didnt like the idea much because he begged us to stay with him...especially when he realised that being on a rocky boat AND being drunk was never two good things put together...

We had other plans however...we went skinny dipping!

Jack D

day forty seven

dear norrie

Just been down to the police station to bail out Orlando...

WHO GOES SKINNY DIPPING IN AN OCEAN THAT IS MANNED BY POLICE MEN EVERY NIGHT?!

Apparently Kev was also an accomplice...but he ran away bollock naked before the police caught him.  
They said Orlando was found cowering in a corner, trying to conceal his modesty behind a small figleaf...the ironic thing is that it was actually small enough to cover the 'whole thing' ...or so im told.

The bail money wasnt too high considering the extent of the crime...but apparently the police were unaware of who he was.  
the weird thing was that he tried to make the bail money HIGHER;

"I will not be bought for such a low price!"

If it was any higher i would have left him there...

No one has seen kev yet...but apparently some local fishermen claim to have seen a 'white ape' hiding in a nearby forest...

two guesses for who that will be...

Meanwhile i have some problems of my own...

Iggy is obsessed with me and My Dearly beloved has only gone and bought the bloody sheep!

Its like living in a zoo...and not in a good way.

johnny

day forty seven

dear ichy

I'm extremely exhausted and irritated.

ALL NIGHT i stayed up with that girl to make sure she didnt barf on herself and die in the night!

She made seven consecutive toilet trips...the other ones didnt quite make it that far...so im getting a new rug...and a new couch...and a new television ... and a new 'jack sparrow' wig considering she tried to use it as a mop...

I feel all brotherly now...ive been in worse states myself and not managed to remember it in the morning...but heres hoping she DOES remember because it would be so funny to take the piss!

I left her there when i knew she wasnt going to regurgitate her food, and went to film for the day...when suddenly i was accosted by a WHITE APE running at me fullspeed and only stopping once he had collided with me!

We fell to the floor in a complete and utter mess...and then shot up and snatched the quilt from Keira who was slowly gaining consciousness...

I did wonder exactly HOW kev had got himself into this mess...but at the end of the day i didnt want to know...not in the slightest.

Apparently the amount of flesh on show was too much for keira, who promptly feinted back onto the pillows again...

well atleast she was doing something besides tossing her cookies...

Keira

Day forty seven

Dear Mr Snuggles

OMG my head!

I want to open my skull and pull out my brain and then pet it and stroke it until its better...

Johnny called in sick for me...apparently he had to bring the boat into dock last night because the tide was too rough and i would have been in trouble from dying by my own puke...

He asked me if i remembered anything...and i had to declare that i remembered nothing...

So then he broke the news to me...

I DECLARED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH I WANTED TO MARRY HIM AND SPEND MY LIFE CATERING TO HIS EVERY NEED!!

Why would i do that?  
HOW could i think that??

Stupid bloody alcohol!

I hope vanessa doesnt hear about this...apparently shes got a good right hook on her...

I'm NEVER drinking my body weight AND kev's boy weight in alcohol EVER again!

I cant look at johnny now...he keeps smirking at me... like hes re-living the momories everytime he smiles...

$$hole!!!!

I think we just both need to forget about it and move on...

johnny

Day forty seven

dear ichy

...she's so gullible...

Orlando

Day forty seven

Dear nobody

I'm a new man.

After sharing a cell with Hairy-back Mary for a night, i realised (Whilst snuggled against his masculine bosom) that i should enjoy the finer things in life.

I'll NEVER go skinny dipping again but hey;

it was an experience...

granted; on that i will NEVER want to experience again for the unfortunate chance of being another whipping boy for a night... but i think it did me some good.

And atleast I'm being recognised now...

My ass was LITERALLY spread across the front pages of EVERY newspaper in the caribbean...and thanks to that, my ass has been well and truly noticed by the public!!

I'm finally getting the recognition that i deserve!

I truly belive that one day my ass will be more famous than johnnys...

even though hes never actually shown his...

i bet he wishes he'd had the balls to skinny dipp now!!!

Continue to page five... 


	5. Chapter 5

kev

day forty seven

Dear diary

Im utterly ashamed of myself.

Orlando is rolling in it...hes lapping it up like its the first sort of publicity hes ever got...

i however had standards to uphold...

Bloody bloom made me do it!

And then when we actually got into the water the boats showed up!

I swam to the shore and ran for the first shadowed haven i could!  
Orlando was somewhere behind me...until i heard him screaming like a little girl when the police found him!

I had no option but to run!

'the white ape' made its own headlines...and as the 'creator' of the 'ape' i would like to say i am deeply hurt by their nickname for me...

Im slightly more hairy than an ape..

Jack D

Day forty eight

Dear norrie

Not getting along with The sheep.

We haven't thought of a name for it yet and i'm glad..it will make it alot easier for me to kill it when no one is looking.

Im not allowed to sleep in my own bed...The sheep has taken my place and now my beloved is sleeping in the same bed as it!

Iggy is no good either...he keeps blending in with his surroudings...yesterday i sat on the bugger because he'd decided to take my place on my couch!!

Sailors insane friend Bwa ha ha came round yesterday with Ichy...THAT was exciting...

Well...it kind of was actually, considering 'Ichy' is a boy and our new sheep is a female...they went off somewhere unknown for ten minutes and when they came back they both looked rather satisfied with themselves...

they must of been rutting around in the dirt or something...

Keira was back on set today...she still looked a little queasy, but i suppose that has to be expected after and EXTREMELY bad hangover...

What WAS strange was how much she kept avoiding johnny...

Maybe she finally admitted her undying love for him for something...

Hell, we've all done it !!!

Johnny

day forty eight

dear ichy

Im too good!

Shes believed EVERY word ive said to her since she woke up!!

The best one was just half an hour ago...

I walked straight up behind her and scared the living baby jesus out of her!  
I asked her why she was avoiding me;

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not...im just...really interested in the sugar bowl i have infront of me..."

"How can you avoid me after last night? I thought it was something special...but maybe you think different..."

Well..that was it...her face paled and she sat down quite suddenly on a chair looking feint.

"What...what are you talking about..."

"You really dont remember, do you?"

"Erm...i really dont remember anything...I'm really sorry!"

"And i thought you were special..."

Keira was looking at me like a deer caught in headlights with a 20 tonne truck coming towards it...she was $h!tt!ng herself, in other words.

"I dont understand...what did we do last night?"

"I cant say here...if people find out then it all over...

"Johnny, dont mess me about! Just tell me the horrible and ghastly truth!"

"What do you want to know? How amazing you were?"

"WHAT?!"

"You were great"

"I was?"

"Yeah...I've never seen a scrabble player like you"

...that was four hours ago...

besides glaring at me in every scene we've been in together, ive not heard a peep from her since...

and i'm loving the peace!!

Oh and BTW;

the reason for all that sexual chemistry between jack and Elizabeth in DMC is most probably because for the generation of the 'Pearl scenes Keira wasn't talking to me...

If you look closely you could probably spot keira giving me looks that could kill... andif you look VERY closely under all the tension between the characters you will probably see me feeling very anxious...

talk about PMT!

Keira

Day 50

Dear Mr I-Hate-Johnny!

I hate hate HATE that man!

Im living with a monster!  
I horrible, messy, irritating but damn-right sexy monster!

I havent spoken to him in two days.  
He hasnt tried to apologise...he just made it worse by telling everyone!

And now they're all blaming ME for the dirty mind!

Oh im going straight to hell on a bicycle...

But i have to admit this nasty tension between us is paying off in the 'jack and elizabeth chemistry' department...ha! The audience will never even realise the reason behind it is because that insufferable man has made my life a misery for the past two days!

Even ORLANDO had a laugh at me!  
ORLANDO BLOOM! Even then NAME makes you want to laugh!

...damn it...im never going to get my credability back...

unless...hmmmmmm...

fight fire with fire, right??

oooh! I like the way my mind works!!

Orlando

Day 50

dear nobody

Has the world gone mad?

Im not sure ive heard it right through the grape vine or not...

But johnny has told kev whose told milly the makeup girl whose told carl in CGI whose Apparenty let it slip to Janine in Props whose told me that Johnny and Keira have been having an affair????

Well blow me down with a feather!  
I thought it would be me...never thought it would be johnny!

The pair of them dont get on for the majority of the time...unless its just an act and really they're staring hottly at eachother...

Nah...it couldnt happen...

I feel like im living in cookoo land!!!!

And i cant believe johnny didnt tell ME!  
Im supposed to be a mate of his and he didnt think to tell me?  
Did he think i would get jealous that he gets everyone and I get no one?!

That man is hott stuff even in his middle age apparently!!

Maybe i should just confront him...

Keira

day 52

dear mr Snuggles

HA!

Take that mr Depp!

Consider yourself PUNK'D!!!!!!!

It all started yesterday when i wokeup.  
I turned the hot water on and then got myself ready for a shower ...step 1.

Then when i heard Johnnys snoring coming to a stop (and after nearly a month of living within 5 feet of him this is truly a blessing!) i stepped into the shower quietly.

Now bear in mind when johnny wakes up early in the morning hes not functional for other human conact for atleast another three hours...so he didnt even realise what he was doing when he stepped into the bathroom and THERE I WAS INNOCENTLY SHOWERING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!

He didnt realise until i 'noticed' he was there and yelled so loud i could have swore i heard his heart having an attack...

Well since then its been rosey...hes been extra nice and hes even let me have HIS bed while hes been sleeping on the couch!!!

Breakfast has been glorious of a morning and not one 'i hate you' has passed from his lips...

its almost like he's being nice to me...

Unless hes planning something...

Oh, if he even tries it hes going down!!!!

I dont care if the women love him; i could live with the hate mail for the rest of my life, and the jail sentence too!!

Jack D

Day 54

dear norrie

theres something wrong with Gladys.

we named the sheep gladys because we couldnt think of anything else significant...

But shes been 'nesting' alot and shes even tried to hump Iggy a few times...which is quite a disturbing thing to watch...

My true love seems to think shes having little baby sheep. But ive already told her that if thats the case then Gladys is 'the virgin mary' of sheep...

no, i dont mean shes having gods baby, because that would be gross and cross-breeding isnt legal...

But in order for sheep to make little sheep they have to...erm...you know...do that thing that im to embarrassed to talk about...

My beloved looked at me like i was stupid.

Unless its Iggys...with all the humping going on lately its hard to tell really...

Johnny

Day 54

Dear Ichy

After the bathroom incident with Lady Knightley im treading carefully!

I didnt see anything and nore would i want to, but that none the less makes it better, so therefore im going to play the nice card and see how far it gets me before she forgives me and then we can get back to taking the piss out of eachother again!

Something funny is going on...

I served keira her breakfast yesterday and she turned around to talk to me and her neck clicked.  
She said it was really painful so i massaged the top of it while she ate her breakfast.

Then suddenly the door to my yacht bursts open and Orlando is standing there...looking shocked?

He started muttering to himself and then he seemed to look at my hands on keiras neck and he went very pale...

then he said he needed to go down to the local chemist for some tranquilisers and left!

Neither of us understood exactly what was up...then again no one really ever does with SadSack, but he was acting very strangely...

Maybe hes got it into his head that me and keira are having an affair or something completely stupid like that...

wouldnt surprise me;

hes got a mind like an overactive child...

Orlando Bloom

Day 55

Dear Nobody

Who knew illegal substances were no longer illegal in foreign countries?

...Or so i thought...

ONCE AGAIN i spent the night in the cells with 'big gloria' for interacting in a drug-smuggling raid...and it was completely not my fault!

Some guy called me up and asked me if i wanted to take part in an underwear commercial (And honestly with my face, do you blame me?) and obviously i accepted...to my own stupidity.

I met the guy down a dark alley at midnight (and no, i didnt realise THAT was wrong either...) and then he took me to a white van and told me to wait inside.

Well, thinking i was going to be meeting the director thought i should make a good impression...so i stripped down to my Y-Fronts and waited for the director to turn up...

He didnt come but the police were VERY understandable when they arrived...and they even managed to snigger behind their hands which was really good of them.

Apparently the van was being tracked by the police so these gangsters decided to frame ME for it instead!!!!!!

Well the police found it rather amusing...especially considering they didnt speak a words of english and therefore had NO CLUE as to WHY i was behind the wheel of a van in my knickers...

Honestly...

anyway, after my rather turbulent night Gore bailed me out once again and told me hes not paying me for the rest of filming to pay back the expenses...and the gas bill too.

I'm so hard done to!!!!!

Keira Knightley

Day 56

Dear snuggles

Ive got to ask...

WHY do women instantly ask me 'what is johnny like?' whenever they meet me?

Do i not have a personality to talk about? Or am i just johnnys counterpart?

Well its getting stranger now anyway considering the makeup girls have started asking me what hes like in the bedroom...

...i told them hes loud and he switches his positions in the bed alot.

They seemed intregued by this, asking me what positions he gets into ...

I told them i could only hazard a guess and say he lies either on his front or on his back...whatever is easiest for him...

...Women are strange...they seemed to imply that i KNEW how he slept. I told them i didnt and they looked at me like i was weird...well i am, but they dont know that...

...i wonder what they ask johnny when they see him...

Johnny

day 56

Dear Ichy

Apparently ive started off a new sex position...

Vinnie from props was told byFrank from Location search who was told by Jimmy in CGI who got told by Valerie in Makeup that she had the best sex of her life with her husband last night...and it was all thanks to me...

...I'd take full honour but i have no idea what for...

Apparently Its called the 'Sparrow Dive' ...something about a man lying on his front and- eugh...i dont know...and i dont think i want to!

Its all getting very strange...Yesterday i was getting lunch when the sound guys were making rude gestures at me...something about;

'Keira Twice-Knightley' ...

That girl is too young to do ANYTHING twice...

Ha, listen to me getting into 'Dad' mode...Ive got to stop or it will ruine my 'street cred'...i'm 'Down wid it'...i'm 'hip'...although the last time i looked; 'hip' was a body part...

...Damn...a few more years and ill be able to ride the bus for free...

...I think ive officially started my mid-life crisis...

Keira Knightley

Day 57

Dear Snuggles

ITS HERE! the day is finally here...

its my kissing scene with Mr Depp!

I shouldnt be excited but naturally i cant help it because my former 14 yearold self has suddenly started doing back-flips and i feel like squealing like a little girl...

Its all hush hush around Orlando apparently...and hes starting to feel left out because everytime he turns up for a conversation with people they go all quiet around him...

i almost feel sorry for him...

...almost...

BUT IM DOING A KISSING SCENE WITH JOHNNY DEPP!!!

Did i mention that?

I dont fancy him or anything...but its got to boost my street cred, right?

Johnny was talking about street cred yesterday...saying how hes leaving a legacey for his children...

Im just leaving many adolescent boys feeling uncomfortable in their pants...or so Johnny says anyway...

He said he feels like hes going down hill...'feeling my age'...

Well as ive told him once before;

Its better to be over the hill than buried underneath it...

DID I MENTION IM DOING A KISSING SCENE WITH JOHNNY DEPP?!!

Johnny

Day 57

Dear Ichy

Oh god there she is...

This is a moment that will define me in either 2 ways;

1. I'm going to go down in history as an historic pirate who 'gets the girl' and goes down with his ship...

or...

2. I'm going to go down in history as a pervert...

WHY do they write in screen kisses for me with YOUNG women?  
Is it just me or are they infact getting younger and younger as im getting older and older?

Ive known keira since she was 17...ive taken the miss out of her ever since ive known her...and now they want me to lock lips with her for a;

'steamy-closeup-snog-that-will-meak-or-break-the-elizabeth-and-jack-relationship'

...Look at her looking all giddy...

Then again i guess its something to look forward to since shes been snoggin the face off sad-sack over there for the past few months...poor girl must be frustrated...

Look at him with his sour expression just sitting there in his little rowing boat waiting for the next scene...

jesus hes in for a shock...

'AND ACTION!

Crap...ok, here goes nothing...

Keira

Day 57

Dear Snuggles

Johnny was standing there minding his own business looking at the mast when i made my predatory move...

'Thankyou, Jack'

Johnny seemed to put on that misty voice...the mark of any good actor. I tried it once and it made me sound like Barry White.

'We're not free yet, love'

I moved closer and looked up at Johnny...obviously trying not too catch his eye as usual considering he makes me burst out laughing just by looking at him...

'You came back. I always knew you were a good man'

Oh we're too good...its amazing how much you manage to control your laughter when your under such tension...

and then i was leaning in...moving closer...trying my best not to look at his face for fear of being burned at the steak incase i laughed...

Johnny

day 57

Dear Ichy

And then she was leaning in...moving closer...and i was trying my best not to look at her over-puckering lips for fear of being burned at the steak for laughing...

But i couldnt help it!

As soon as i did my 'not so manly' giggle suddenly she was shrieking like a banshee...and almost callapsed onto the floor with laughter...

obviously she had been holding it in for a VERY long time...

Gore shouted because if orlando saw us then it was all over and we would have to put this kiss back into the blooper section...

YES ladies and...well...what kind of man would read another mans diaries?!

Anyway, YES...this kiss scene was only EVER intended for the bloopers reel...but then gore changed his ever-changing mind and decided to put it into the actual film...

...So keira puckered up again and went for me!

I've got to say...i dont know what she practised on beforehand but she tasted like an orbit factory...

obviously she had garlic before she came in for this scene...

I however decided to drink a big pint of tomato juice...the most revolting taste in the world...to keira, anyway...

And so she pulled away making borking noises...I didnt take it personally...especially sincce the second time around i decided to take some cod-live-oil instead...

Oh the fun!

Orlando

Day 57

Dear Nobody

OH DEAR LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do my eyes decieve me or has the worst been confirmed?!

Johnny and keiras relationship is now apparently out in the open!!!

After what i just witnessed and-OH!

THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!  
I cant watch...but apparently Gore can!

PERVERT!!!

OH CHRIST ON A BIKE!  
Shes backing him up against the mast of the ship...i swear i just saw tongues!  
She never used tongues on me!...i KNEW johnny was her favourite!

I bet this is just one big publicity stunt like Tom Cruise and Katey Holmes...

She'll be announcing shes up the duff next week!!!

Poor johnny...he'll be branded a cradle robber...talk about being up $h!t creek without a paddle...

HER HANDS ARE ALLOVER HIIM!!!

Thats it...ive got to put a stop to it all before they start consummating their relationship infront of the entire crew!!!!!

OMG! Even the sound guy has popcorn to eat while he watches!

Keira

day 57

Dear Snuggles

Not bad...not bad at all...

when you take away the pickled onions, tomato's,cod liver oil and the ever present smell of something that seems like it has died...

...Though Kev was close by so johnny cant be entirely blamed for that...

it was all good...i FINALLY got the kiss that Elizabeth deserves!

Thats it now..im officially a shipper...bless poor orlando but when this film starts showing in cinemas Will is going to be completely outranked by every woman in the world wanting JACK SPARROW as their knight in shining armour...

Speaking of Orlando...

Halfway through a very weird experimentation which included Johnny getting very 'up for it' and even suggesting the handcuffs-

(by this time we had decided not to be our reality selves and instead decided to be two bondage queens looking for the best way to get off...)

-a hard body suddenly collided with me and my lips were suddenly torn away (albeit begrudgingly) from johnnys and he crashed to the ground un-nessecarily...i thought it was part of his act but when i saw Orlando ontop of him i thought otherwise...

The fight didnt last long...with orlando screaming obscienities and announcing that i was going to turn into the next angeline jolie one of the sound guys pulled him off and told him to wait in the rowing boat...

oh that boy is in for punishment...

but atleast gore got the facial expression he was looking for with that surprise kiss...

Orlando looks like hes trying to pass a bowling ball... 


	6. Chapter 6

Johnny

Day 58

Dear Ichy

NOW i understand.

Orlando spilled the beans...more than he should have.

He told me everything; down to WHEN exactly he guessed me and keira we're secretly 'getting it on' behind the scenes...

Well the story seemed so good that i didnt want to disturb it...so i havent...its been hilarious.

Keira still doesnt know that we're having an affair that was secret but isnt anymore...and she seems to be the only one...

So now im making a point of it by bear-hugging her whenever i see her...and then tell her how pretty her hair is looking...

She told me to get a hobby...i told her ive got one...pissing her off is almost like my favourite pass-time!

The boys came over last night for a game of poker...and since keira is still keeping residance in my yacht i attempted to lock her in the bath room but it never works...considering the lock is on the inside...

So she sat there watching 'desperate housewives' on tv whilst us men got down to some serious business...

Overall i managed to win;

1.A keg of beer from Kev

2. A Pair of dirty old nike trainers from Orlando

3. A little baby lamb from Jack ... he said either he gives them away or they're going in a stew...

...So now the little lamb is settled with Keira and Im ready to go to bed myself...

I'm checking for clowns first though...the last time i went to bed without checking i found 'chuckles' taking up residence in my linen closet...

...couldnt sleep for days...

Jack Davenport

Day 59

dear norrie

Have i missed something?

I feel like i havent got out of my trailor for along time for fear of Gladys the sheep eating the douvet on my bed...shes a viscious little creature!

She had her little lambs...much more sooner than expected, too...

I'm starting to think Ichy wasn't the first sheep she has rolled around in the field with...dirty cow.

(I didnt mean cow as in she is actually a cow...because she isnt, shes a sheep...i meant cow in the mean sense of the word if that makes sense...and if not then ignore my english slang...everyone else seems to)

My beloved has kept me under lock and key.  
oh yes, im officially a desperate house-husband.

We argued last night because i went to a poker game and she wanted to come with me...i told her the only girl who will be there will be Keira because she lives with johnny at the moment...i shouldnt have mentioned any names because as soon as i did my things were being thrown out of the trailor...a slight argument that was blown out of proportion if you ask me...butim now sleeping in the ditch OUTSIDE my trailor whilst that bloody sheep guards the door...

Im so hard done to!

Johnny

day 59

dear ichy

im sleeping on the fold out bed in the living area...

after playing poker last night with keira and losing she now gets everything in my trailor apart from my sock drawer...which might explain why shes walking around in my shirt and a pair of my underpants this morning...

That stupid bloody lamb has not left her side yet! Shes treating it like a baby...but little does she know i have BIG plans for that little sheep!

...Look at that!  
She didnt even ask me if i wanted breakfast! Shes just feeding herself and giving that bloody sheep a bowl of milk! From MY fridge!

Ive got two kids so i know how to handle a sheep...but keira AND a sheep is just too much for me.

Last night after everyone left, Orlando kept prattling on about how 'wrong' it is for me to be 'interested' in keira when i have a family!

-yes he still insists we are having an affair...the poor deluded sod...-

Keira overheard however and decided to put the whelp straight...to no advail unfortunately because hes got it into his dense head that anything we say to him from now on is a lie to keep it a secret...

so if im telling him a lie then he should think of it as the truth because if it WAS the truth then it would actually really be a lie-

damn i have to stop myself doing that...jack sparrow moments are creeping up on me so much more than before!

in short term;

Hes a ham-sandwich short of a picnic in the brains department...if you get what i mean...and if you dont then i think you are too...

Keira

Day 59

Dear snuggles

WHY cant he get it through his thick head!?

ALL day ive had nothing but winks and nudges thrown my way from orlando because he thinks he knows something thats a big secret...when really he knows nothing at all!

Honestly, how amazingly docile can one person be?!

he started calling me Angelina on set before! I was like THIS CLOSE to throttling him with my hair extensions...

...and just for the record;  
i know you are unaware of how close THIS CLOSE is...but believe me its VERY close!

And thats not the worst of it!

I went home to Johnnys yacht (which technically is MY yacht now because i won it off johnny in a poker game! Go ME!) and he was sat there eating some kind of meat strew...

...on closer inspection i noticed it couldnt be beef, pig or chicken because ive not actually seen one of those animals in the vascinity...

So YES IT IS OFFICIAL!!!

JOHNATHAN CHRISTOPHER DEPP IS A SHEEP MURDERER!!!!

Im so not talking to him for ANY of this now!

Silence of the lambs my ass!

...i think i mite start calling him Hannibal...

Orlando

Day 59

dear nobody

They thought they were so smart trying to hide from everyone...but i sussed them out completely!!!

i think ive figured out the facial expressions and body language they give eachother;

Raised eyebrows - Meet you at 6 behind the bike sheds

Glaring - behind this sour mask is the look of love...

middle-finger syndrome - oh how i love thee

the constant swearing - take me now!

I should be a psychologist!

...One of the girls in makeup found it VERY interesting and asked if she could tell her friend Ryan Seacrest about the sordid affair...

I told her to tell anyone she wanted aslong as they werent famous so its fair enough really...

...Im starting to be a right gossip-monger arent i!

but do i care?!

Do i buggery!

Johnny

Day 60

dear ichy

Shes not talking to me AGAIN...

She seems to think i ate the sheep...

Well i did and it was bloody gorgeous too!

She stomped around the yacht and threatened to throw herself overboard as a sacrifice for me eating her 'poochie' ...

...i asked her if she wanted me to help her out and give hera push...she could have called it moral support...

Instead she decided to go round telling everyone i was a murderer...

How come?  
SHE eats meat and she doesnt call herself a murderer...

the injustice of it all!

I had to bang the bedroom door down to get my socks this morning

- (seems as though its the only thing of mine on that yacht i officially own...im currently wearing jack D's shirt and pants...and i look absolutely duluded...) -

and when the door finally opened she glared at me and jumped on my back from the top of the bed!  
Well imagine what it must have looked like from outside while im standing there waving my arms around like a lunatic with a crazy woman clinging to my back!

Shes a small thing but trying to get her off was the hardest thing in the world!

...The worst was yet to come though considering orlando saw us through the window on his way to the set...

hes never going to get this fixation out of his head at this rate!

Orlando

Day 60

dear nobody

SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE ORPHANS!

...i never realised they had a sex life already!!!!

First base? Sure

Second base? Whats that?

Third base?! NEVER!!

...lucky b $ t a r d $!!!!!

Jack D

day 60

dear norrie

My beloved forgave me for my 'terrible wrong doing' ... apparently having a social life outside my trailor is a big 'no no'...

she put the sheep back in her play pen with her annoying little bleeping children and then told me gladys would need a 30 minute walk when i got back from filming...apparently my true love would be too busy shopping with my platinum card...

and they say romance is dead...

Speaking of romance...i get the morning newspaper today and BLESS MY PLATINUM GOLD SOUL!

The paparazzi have only got a whiff of the sordid affair between keira and johnny!!!!

apparently according to Ryan seacrest the source wanted to remain anonymous... but also stated that Orlando was the culprit of the allegations...

...do you feel that?  
Its the feeling of impending doom...

Johnny

day 62

Dear Ichy

After pleading none stop for 2 days Vanessa has finally seen sense...

After reading the stupid bloody newspaper report the otherday she rang me up to tell me she never wanted to see me again...but fortunately due to my great persuasion and the fact that we all know orlando is a complete and utter Dunce she allowed to to explain and then suddenly it became quite clear that at that moment in time we would both like nothing more than to strangle the whelp...

...who by the way is in hiding!

Keira is STILL on the yacht...though the matter of her moving out has come up since all this happened because apparently she feels like shes going to be on the recieving end of a very good talking to when Vanessa and the kids come to stay...

Shes not though, because both my girl and the kids happen to love her...in small doses anyway.

She said she might go and live in with orlando...and then kill him and steal his trailor...which makes me wonder if that was her plan for me all along...

i suggested asking jack, but apparently if another woman steps within a 200 meter radius of the trailor then a very angry sheep chases them away...

Jack said its a defense mechanism but we all know hes just the b!tch of the relationship...

Now then...as soon as i find the barb-wire and the spatula im on my way round to orlando's trailor...

A/N: SailorLeo's Diary entry...another obsessive Norrie rant!! Hehehe!

Dear norrie-baby

Ah ha! I found it! the holy grail of information, no not the script to AWE but in fact my beloved's diary...He's so sweet, he writes such nice thigns about me, not such much my sheep. I don't understand why, they're so cute. I don not appreciate how everyone keeps refering them as sunday's brunch and tuesday's dinner. Poor dearies.

On other news I finally convinced the casting directer to give me a part in the movie. It's a minor role...well...really minor. I play wench number five. Woo hoo! I get to share screen time with Jack-y-poo! Although I was almost fired when I kept knocking out Keira Knightly with a prop chair...what..?...Oh SHE HAD IT COMING! No one, I repeat, NO ONE knocks out my Jacky-poo with a rum bottle but ME! Stupid B!

PS...Those makeup girls can do wonders...You'd never tell that I bloodied u p the whore!

PPS: I caught Orli in the midsts of another man's arms...a man with trashy highlights...Upon closer inspection I marked the man as Ryan Seacrest...hmmm...wierd...oh well, of to the tabloids I go, after I make a starbucks run...

Toodles

Keira

day whatever

dear snuggles

I GIVE UP!

im public enemy number one!

the girls in makeup seem to have started a hate club in my honour because of this whole 'johnny and keira' rumour...

ive now been demoted to having a camera man even out my complexion before my scene!!!!!

Orlando has told me i can live in his trailor if it helps to make everyone stop wanting to kill me...apparently he wouldnt mine rumours being made up about him because it will 'boost his star status'...i told him to stop clutching at straws and just 'come out' already!!

Ryans dying to make it official!!

orlando

day i dont care!

dear nobody!

i am NOT clutching at straws!

I am NOT and have never been a 'bum-boy!  
It is an exit hole and NEVER an entry!

'Someone' -

(Whom shall remain anonymous so when she unexpectedly disappears no one can blame me)

- has been trying to make me look like ive been having an affair with a man!

They have no allegations to prove it -

(Unless you count that one time in Mexico, and to my knowledge THAT THING was a FEMALE...until it took its clothes off)

- and mine and ryan's relationship is strictly platonic!

...now then...where did i put my vaseline...

Johnny

Day forgotten completely now!

dear ichy

what a kufuffel!!!!!

I told keira she had to move out...

her instant moaning and crying was getting on my nerves...so i told her if she doesnt like watching my re-runs of 21 jump street then she can hit the road!

i packed her stuff and dragged her kicking and screaming all the way over to Orlando's trailor...

Within two hours she was back at my door BEGGING to come back!  
...apparently theres nothing quite like having to sit there enduring two hours of Orlando skipping to HIS parts in Lord of the rings and watching him re-act it out as a live performance...

I took pitty on her and let her stay again...but only for a few days until the directors board can get her another trailor.

I knocked around at Kevs trailor this morning...i havent seen him for a few days because he hasnt been needed.  
When he opened the door i could tell he had been on the 'whacky-backie' straight away!

Mackenzie was sitting there watching his hand move infront of his face and giggling like a little girl...

...i never would have thought that out of EVERYONE on set that it would be THOSE TWO who light up the dubie...

i left them to it and made my way over to sad-sacks trailor...

big mistake...

he was still re-enacting his role of 'legolas' and invited me to join and be 'aragorn' ...i declined politely ofcourse...i thought laughing in his face would be a bit harsh...

Continue to page seven... 


	7. Chapter 7

jack D

day - not thought about it

dear norrie

Us English citizens (mainly Orlando, keira, kev and mckenzie) have seen our arses...

Upon discovering that the bloody americans call our most cherished sport SOCCER...we decided to make them put their money where their mouth is...

WE'RE HAVING A SOCCER (OR AS THE TRUE NAME IS CALLED: FOOTBALL!) MATCH!

We've decided to pick teams of 5 a side...

For England we have;

1.Kev 2.Keira 3. Me (Jack ofcourse)  
4.Orlando (But my gran his better than he is so we might keep him on the bench)  
5. And Mckenzie Crook

For The Grand ol' US of A we have;

1. Johnny 2.My beloved 3.Ted 4.Terry 5.Lee (The guy who plays pintel...)

The game is on tomorrow so we're all having team strategies and meetings.  
Id say out of my team keira is probably the best because shes actually been in a film that involved football...

Kev runs out of breath from walking up the stairs and orlando would rather sit and look at mens asses from the corner of his eye...

and as for mckenzie?  
Well...hes never really spoken much to me...he just sits there contemplating the meaning of life...

weird bugger!

Johnny

Day 73? Or 74?

dear ichy

I sense a fox in the chicken coop...

ive hid our strategie for the soccer match in a shoebox under my bed...and SOMEONE has opened it and rifled through it...and put a clown teddy in there aswell!  
I mean honestly...who would do such a thing?!

...ill give u one guess!

I remember when life was simple...it was peaceful and it was calm...and then SHE WAKES UP and it all goes pear-shaped again!!

And im frustrated about these soccer rules too...whats the point of kicking a ball around a big field when you can pick the bugger up and run with it??

Apparently Gore is going to be our referee...but he knows nothing about soccer either so i think he'll let us get away with picking the ball up!

Keira'd been showing off her ball skills on the yacht...and NO before anyone thinks anything i dont mean in a dirty way!  
...shes been doing something called a 'keepie-uppie'...which consists of her seeing how long she can keep kicking the ball up into the air over and over again without letting it touch the floor...

i dont see the point myself...and plus she broke my expensive crystal duck collection by knocking them over with that bloody ball!

...scary thing is...i have a feeling she might actually be good at this sport...

we're screwed

Keira

day - i dont bloody know!

dear snuggles

im all revved up for this match tomorrow!

apparently jack has been getting it in the neck from his 'misuzz' because she wanted to be on his team...apparently it took him half an hour to actually get back into his trailor this afternoon after the mad woman had barricaded herself in!

...jack said she found it hard to understand the 'nationality' rule...i swear if i wasnt a women im sure i would think like a man!

my trailor has come!  
And because johnny was the one that caused the hole in the roof when he used orlando's bow and arrow as a 'flame thrower' one time, HE HAS TO FOOT THE BILL!

he went mad when i told him!  
Now hes saying im not having the trailor and that i can sod off and move in with kev...

I'd rather lick my own $$hole thankyou very much...

So i figure ill just stick around with johnny and torment him some more...i swear he never had one grey hair on his head until the day i moved in!

Im stressed out too though!  
Im being upbeat and making everyone do regular exercise!  
Im building team morale and WHAT DO THEY DO TO ME?!

...they picked me up and put me into the nearest wheely bin and shut the lid so i cudnt get out!

apparently jack cant stand the nazal whine to my voice...he said he'd rather hear nails going down a chalk board...

i was up at 5 this morning coming up with a name for our team!  
Johnny just laughed and then told me to shut up and go to bed because i was making more noise than orlando had been making earlier on in the night...

apparently he was round here with his lord of the rings DVDS...again!

well it could be worse...he could have brought round elizabeth town..now THAT was a tragedy of a movie...

someone remind me again WHY hes an actor?

Orlando

Day - never you mind!

dear nobody

Its not fair!

No one will let me join in!

Apparently im coming on in the third half of the game...which is weird because to my knowlege there are only two halves...

So i offered my services to 'Team-if-we-dont-call-it-sailor-she-will-kill-us!' ...they declined saying that being americans they wouldnt find it very patriotic to have a 'limey' on their team...id be offended but i dont know what a 'limey' is...

so now ive been demoted to 'water boy' ... and when im not being 'water-boy' im being 'just-sit-down-and-watch-before-you-do-something-stupid-and-hurt-yourself boy'.

I feel so degraded...keira has them all doing star jumps!

Two out of four of them are beginning to look a little hot under the collar to be honest...i think kev is having calorie withdrawals...but he shoulnt do with that Mars bar he has stuffed down the front of his pants...in the hot sun...

...ewww...

but hey! on the upside they said i could be team mascot!

I get to make my own suit and everything!! ..but i already have the outfit with me anyway because i carry it around as a momentum of my glory days back when i was weilding a bow and arrow...

back in the days when the tights i wore werent as thick and hot...they were more like a fine silk...oh, those were the days...

Jack D

Day - i want to die!

dear norrie

BLOODY AMERICANS!!!

Imagine urself running down a field towards a ball rolling across the grass...and then just as your about to kick said ball your suddenly bear hugged from behind and the ball is no longer at the end of your foot but in the arms of another man!!!!!

Its half time at the be-all-and-end-all match!

During the first half fists have been thrown, tempers have flared and teeth have been knocked out...although that was entirely Orlando's own fault for putting on his monkey suit and not realising there were no eye holes for him to see...i should have warned him about the rather large metal pole that held one side of the net up...but i thought it would be much funnier to see him crash into it...

but anyway back to the match!  
WHY are the americans piking the ball up with their hands??

My beloved has gone all 'kamikazzi' on me...she gets really agressive when competition is looming...

Poor keira didnt even see her coming when she was dribbling the ball towards the yankee net...

apparently she hasnt woken up yet...

WHICH LEADS US TO OUR NEXT PROBLEM:

Since keira is otherwise engaged...we have only 4 members of our team left...which means only one thing...

We're trying to swap johnny for Orlando...the americans are so gulible they'll believe hes actually good!!!

Ted

Day - not too sure...

Dear whoever

nope, they're not pulling the wool over my eyes!!!

Ive seen orlando act so his soccer skills cant be much better...

Besides...the rumour going around is that hes actually STUCK inside the monkey costume...which means if he's not out of it by the end of the match then we're going to either cut him out...or leave it because its a vast improvement...

First half has been excellent!

Sailor has been our best player so far...she hasnt scored but shes got one hell of a right hook on her!!

Oh...must remember to tell the guys NOT to pick up the ball...apparently its 'cheating'...in america its totally acceptable...

orlando

Day - do you suffer from long term memory loss? ... i cant remember...

dear nobody

I'M FINALLY GETTING A GAME!!!

Im officially the first monkey to play a game of football! Our ancestors would be so proud of me!!!!!

Only problem is the fact that i really am stuck...it seems that someone has saboutaged my suit...so not only can i get the body off, but the head is stuck on too...

Kev very kindly burned two eye holes into the head for me with his cigarette lighter...i told him i could feel it burning me but that just amused him so he did it more...

ted said i looked so good i could stand in for Jack the monkey...apparently according to him that was the role i was MEANT to be given...but my agent paid him extra to hire me...

jack ass.

Ohhhhhh!!! the match is starting!!!

now then...if i could only see the pitch with all this fur in my eyes...

Johnny

Day - WOOOHOOOOOO!!

Dear WE-SO-KICKED-YOUR-ASS!!

Another proud win for us Americans...we are officially the best at everything!

At times it looked pretty ugly...especially when keira gained consciousness and tried to take out her revenge on our sailor!!

...I didnt know girls could wrestle without the mud!!!...

Orlando pratted around...at times i felt sorry for their poxy little team...they had a heavy smoker, a lankey streak of p!$$, sailors less violent better half, a whiny and irritating thorn in my side and sad-sack...need i say more?

I had to laugh when the ball stopped at orlando's feet...we all charged on him, so instead of kicking the ball forwards and trying to score for his team he just ran off the pitch instead...and Lee thought it would be hilarious to keep chasing him...

I think he got to the end of the island before he gave up!

3-2!  
3-2!!!!

WE ARE THE BEST!  
WE BEAT YOU!!!!!

Wooohoooooo!!!!

Keira

Day - kiss my ass!

Dear Snuggles

Johnny can kiss my tiny white ass!!

ALLL DAY hes done nothing but wind me up about the match!  
In my defence i missed half of it...and a chimp in a monkey suit replaced me!

Speaking of the chimp; theres no way hes getting out of his suit...he thinks he mayhave to film like that for the rest of the film...

well if that doesnt make the audience want jack and elizabeth together more than ever then i dont know what will!!!

Poor orlando...i know johnny did it but i have no proof...but whilst orlando is walking around looking like a d!ck, im walking around with a black eye!!

Sailor has it in for me...yesterday she nearly set her sheep on me!  
IT GROWLED!!!!! ...how the hell did she manage to make it do that???

the mind truly baffles...

Im supposed to be going out on the town again tonight...just me and johnny...to see who can drink whom under the table...

im onto a sure winner!!!!

Johnny

Day- next of never

Dear ichy

its so pittiful...

There i was expecting stiff competition from keira with this drinking contest!  
I thought it would be a tough one, but apparently her version of 'under the table' is quite different to mine...

With one glass of wine she was LITERALLY under the table!

i told her it was because she was too skinny. If she had a bit of meat on her she could take the alcohol...instead of throwing it up allover my shoes...AGAIN!!!

women...the next thing i knew i was ONCE AGAIN carrying her home...i ended up putting her over my shoulder and then dumped her on the couch where she fell soundly asleep...

my 'brother' mode unconsciously came into play however when i thought that if she was sick through the night then she might die...or even worse ruine my couch...

so being the gentleman i am i stayed up ALLLLLL night watching her...not pleasant when her face is going green from the sick...its like nothing i haveever experienced before and i would never wish to see it again!!!

...i might give her some payback (as always because i love to mess with her wharped little mind!!!)

...i think the smell of bacon and eggs of a morning is absolutely fantastic when you have a really bad hangover...dont you????!

..oh...you can't touch this!!

A/N: A diary entry by our dearly beloved pirate diva!!! ...She did some that could have been placed earlier on into the diaries...but i got confused and couldnt place them, but they can all be placed here now!!!!!

Keira

Day- Tooo Hungover to know!!!

Dear Snuggles,

I WANNA DIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! I feel like Wild E. Cayote getting 1,000 lb. weights drop on my head by the RoadRunner!!!

Oh the PAIN!!!!! I wanna Die, I wanna Die, I wanna Die!!!!

I Hate Johnny...it's all his fault i'm like this!! He CHEATED...he didn't drink as much as I did!! He just wanted to see me drunk...well he succeeded!! Holds Head And now i'm FIGHTING FOR DEAR LIFE!!!

I do have to admit that this couch is quite comfy...and Johnny did take care of me the whole night...He can be quite charming when he wants to be!!! so i guess i owe him Th-Th-Th...oh gosh i cant even say it!!

Snif Ugh is that BAcon and Eggs!...oh I THINK IM GONNA BE SICK!!! gAG gAG I GIVE UP...JUST TAKE ME NOW!!

A/N: The fabulous PIRATESSEX contributed this diary...a work of art!!!!

Johnny

day- who cares honestly

Dear ichy

I GOT HER !!!!

her face was priceless when she woke up this morning...

BWHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!

I'm just to good arnt i?

oh god now I'm asking my diary questions...

Oh well should i feel sorry for sad-sack?

well i dont i get a total and complete laugh out of this.  
Almost as much a laugh as the site of keira running to the bathroom over ten times.

Who knew her little body could hold so much liquid Seems like she would gain 20 pounds if she ate a big mac I made liver and oiuns for dinner To bug keira.

unfortunately keira was feeling fine , she chased me around with her shoe for about an half an hour, amazing... i swear that girl never runs out of energy she like a squirrel running after a nut.

Ive been thinking why in gods name is my diary named after that crazed fan-girl bwahahas sheep?

A/N: PirateDiva's diary entry

Keira

Day- Who cares?

Dear Mr. Snuggles,

HA HA HA...Who's laughing now? SO He thought i would like the smell of Bacon and eggs the morning after we had our little Drinking fiasco...huh!!! But the Joke is on HIM...cause i have snuck in RAW BACON and cracked a couple of eggs and put it under his bed!!!

Lets just see how much he likes the smell of BACON and EGGS after a couple days of ROTTING!!!!

LOL...GOSH I AMAZE MYSELF SOMETIMES!!! Just when i think i can't surpass myself...I DO!! He thinks he's good and the King of RETALIATION...But i'm the QUEEN of WAR!!!!!! Grins evilly

Johnny

Day - do do do doooo...

dear ichy

THE WOMAN NEEDS 'HAZARDOUS' STAMPING ON HER FOREHEAD!!!

so yeah i have to agree the wrotting eggs and bacon WAS rather a good prank...BUT THEN SHE HAD TO RESULT TO IDIOCY!!!

Im telling you, she was so far past the line that she couldnt even see it anymore!!!

I mean...WHO in all of holy hell would even want to scrape the wrotting food from underneath my pillow and then attempt to serve it to me!!!!

...i really think shes trying to bump me off...

...i never should have gave her the pin number to my credit card...thats the one thing i live to regret...

That and letting orlando give me a blow-by-blow account of how he killed the orks in Lord of the rings...

some things are just better left alone...very alone...in a padded room alone...bless him...a face only a mother could love

Continue to page eight... 


	8. Chapter 8

Jack D

day 600,4320...or there abouts...

Dear norrie

HEAT WAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its ben so hot for the past few days that ive resulted to walking around in my knickers...and who said spongebob wasnt cool...

ii have to say keira hasnt managed to keep her dignity either...considering she is the only one who wont take off her clothes, shes starting to smell slightly...which is off putting...but no one has the heart to tell her...

well...i say no one but i think she got the hint when johnny started calling her 'Betty BO' and then started flapping his arms like a chicken...and when she took great offence and started fighting with him, he put us all out of our misery and picked her up and over his shoulder 'hercules' style...and then threw her overboard!!!!

Well in the end gore told us to take 10...when orlando asked;

"10 what?"

we decided to throw him overboard aswell.

we ended up sumbathing on the beach and drinking margaritas in the sun!!! ... and i cant remember acting properly after that...although the alcohol only made johnny's character seem more eccentric and funnier than ever...which is really scary when you think about it...

A/N: PiratesSex Diary entry!

orlando

day:i lost count

god im gorgeous!

I passed a mirror today and couldent help takeing a glance at my reflection.

I am amazing.

I marvel at my beauty.

Honestly i think 'im to sexy for my shirt' was written for me.

Its my fave song ...

besides 'sexyback'by that hunkalicious justin timberlake.

god i would be soo ridiculed it anyone saw my diary especially kate.

we are haveing problems i think after the break up i will go out with uma thurman , she looks manly i like the manly gal.

love orli!

xoxoxoxo

Keira

day - The day johnny dies!

Dear I WILL KILL HIM ONE OF THESE DAYS!

after making myself a relaxing bath and making myself smell beautiful AND NOT LIKE A SWEATY OLD MAN! I dried myself off and sat in contemplation...

why me?

I ALWAYS end up as th butt of johnnys jokes!  
..Well...ORLANDO ends up as the butt of johnnys jokes but when orlando isnt around its always me...me, me, me...

Its as if he fancies me or something...

AHA!!!

maybe he does fancy me..im not bad looking...i have a good complexion and im not too annoying...whats not to like???

Did i mention im beautiful??????

That must be it! He must really like me!!!

Everytime he makes fun of me its like hes back in school pulling on my hair braids in the playground!!

Would it be so bad if he DID like me?  
...hes good looking...hes nice to me all of 2 of the time...

HOW am i going to be able to look at him now knowing this!  
I bet it was the kiss that did it!!

Damn it! Not only did it convert all the Pirates of the caribbean fans, but it converted johnny too!!!!!!

I'll be branded a scarlett woman!!!!

A/N: PiratesSex!!

orlando

dear - whoever wants to be my dear

WHAT IS GOING ON?

i was in makeup this morning and everyone kept stareing at me and laughed when i looked away!!

they kept saying "sadsacks gaypoor fellow i wonder who he is" ...

Another strange thing that happend was when becky my makeup person put lipstick and eyeshadow on me ...

i asked her what she was doing and she laughed in my face and said;

"you dont know?"

DONT KNOW WHAT? WHAT IS THERE TO KNOW?

Johnny

Day - oh no!

dear ichy

The woman in dillusional!!

She keeps avoiding me now!  
Her body odour was bad once...its not too bad now!

Orlando seems to think its because she has some obsession with me...i dont think he realises that we're NOT having an affair...

Honestly...just because the man has no love life to call his own, he has to muscle in on my imaginary one!

the cheek of it!!

Speaking of sad-sack, i decided to tell everyone about our homosexual chimp ... i think he may be a worlds first...

I told him i was absolutely delighted to have my pictures around his trailor inside their love-heart frames...but i think he didnt realised that the ones i have of him in MY yacht are the ones that i throw my darts at for practise...i get a bulls-eye everytime!!!

Johnny

Day - Hmmm...interesting...

Dear ichy

OH SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!!!

victory tastes so sweet!!!

filming got posponed today for a few hours due to bad wind -

(We did tell orlando that his flatulance was unacceptable but does he listen? Does he crap!)

- so everyone decided we should do something that we've never done before...

WE ALL PLAYED A GAME OF HALF-NAKED VOLLEYBALL ON THE BEACH!

...ok so we've all done that before but we ran out of ideas on what to do...

i picked my team and obviously sad-sack wasn't in it...i did pick keira but everytime she went for the ball she looked behind her half expecting me to look at her ass while she was jumping for the ball!

Honestly, im a fully-grown man...im not orlando...

we did have a few good strikes but with kev out of shape and mckenzie smoking like a chimney we weren't really making much progress...

so we just decided to play dirty instead!

lets just say that after my last strike, Orlando is currently concussed and unable to film for the next two days...

so hes held up in his trailor being forced to watch re-runs of 'Lord of the rings', 'Elizabeth' town and 'the calcium kid' ... on repeat...everyday...

Oh god paybak is a b!tch!

Keira

day- whatever

dear snuggles

I woke up this morning to the glorious sound of heavy metal...oh sorry did i say glorious? I meant to say;

OH MY GOD WHO EVEN LISTENS TO THAT CRAP ANYMORE? AND FIRST THING IN THE MORNING? HES BORDERING ON INSANE!

Having only got to bed at 5am this morning because i was up allnight learning my lines-

(they had re-writes...apparently alot of the stuff in the script implied too much of a jack/elizabeth bond...well durrr! they're like MADE FOR EACHOTHER!)

- i thought i may be able to have a lie in considering i wasn't due into the set until the night shoot...but i was wrong...

At 7.30am the sound of Led Zepplin screeched into my ears with their electric guitars and their very weird sense of rhythm...needless to say i was mightily p!$$ed off and he knew it too!!

I threw my pillow at him...he just laughed more...

ive decided that he doesnt fancy me...he HATES ME AND WANTS ME TO DIE A VERY PAINFUL DEATH!!!!!

begrudginly i got out of my sleeping bag and went into the kitchen on his yacht to make some breakfast...bad move considering johnny is very picky about people being in his kitchen...so he booted me out and told me to get in the shower and clean myself until i was free of 'germies' ...

hes gone mad.

Im supposed to be going shopping this morning with Jack...but whether he can sneak out of the trailor without Sailor setting Gladys on him is a different matter completely...

poor man...talk about ball and chain...

Orlando

Day- HELP!

Dear nobody

MAKE IT STOP!

i promise ive seen the error of my ways!!!

Its horrible!...i didnt realise how FAT i looked in 'Elizabeth Town' !!!

Its so unfair! Having to lie here day after day ...completely forgotten about...watching myself flaunt my sexy backside on my television screen...

the second thing isnt so bad, but the first thing is driving me up the wall!

I should be up and about tomorrow...if anyone cares, that is...

Oh but they would miss me if i was gone! You mark my words!

I can just imagine it now;

Johnny standing beside my coffin telling me how I was the best and that he was nothing compared to me!  
Keira telling me shes always been inlove with me but i was too much of a big movie star and my fans would kill her if she even made a pass at me.  
And gore telling me that Will WAS the main hero of the films...

...what a good way to go...

Johnny/

day - i feel like ending it all!!

dear ichy

SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE ORPHANS!

ive had it upto my pretty little eyeballs with that woman!

Shes driving me up the wall and back down it again!!!

i told her it was deffinately time to move on now considering she was getting too familiar with her 'habitat' ...when your a man and you find bikini wax-strips by the soap dish in your bathroom you get more than a little freaked out!!!!

...especially when you have the lads over for your weekly polka night and they question your masculinity...

she told me that technically if i kick her out i would have to pay for her new accommodation!!!

...apparently her insurance policy claims that i am her main money clause!

women...nothing but money grabbers!!!

speaking of money grabbers...i got a letter through the post today...

its funny how many women are claiming im the father to their children and are asking me for money now that the sucess of 'pirates' has made me 'invincible' to the celebrity world...

...its also funny how many MEN are claiming im the father of their children, too...

on set today and we were doing an action sequence...Miss im-keira-and-either-give-me-a-sword-to-play-with-or-i-swear-to-god-you-will-see-the-spoilt-end-of-a-hissy-fit Knightly was once again throwing a big fat paddy because no one trusted her enough with a sword...

In the end they gave up and let her have her own way...and then told her to go and practise with Orlando because his insurance is running out...the last time i saw him he was being carted away in an ambulance...i hope they found his missing finger...

Keira

Day - lost all sense of time

Dear snugges

Me and johnny did a really weird scene today...everyone keeps referring to it as the 'curiosity' scene...apparently it was supposed to play out alot different than how it actually ended up...

its funny how as soon as you realise your 'flirting' in a scenewith one of johnny's characters that you find yourself actually flirting with him aswell!!

The man is a woman magnet!  
How come a man with dreadlocks and a beard is so irresistable???

When my friends went to see the first movie they were going for the thrill of seeing orlando in action...and they came out of the movie wondering WHY they found johnny so attractive in his eyeliner and his overly-poofy hair...

madness, i tell you!!!

dont get me wrong...when hes in his normal garb hes just johnny...but when hes in his 'jack' outfit hes...

well...lets put it like this;

Austin Powers has found his Mojo, baby!!!!

Damn that sinister attraction that captain jack sparrow has over me!!!

... im officially insane...

to be continued...when i can be bothered to copy and paste the next two pages!!!!! 


End file.
